GIFT GUIDE: Rude sarcastic tees

Some people cannot accept a sincere present. You hand them something heartfelt and you can watch them physically look for the exit. They'll make a joke before they've finished unwrapping it, because being openly touched by anything is not available to them as an option.

Fine. This guide is for those people. Twenty six tees that range from mildly sarcastic to genuinely rude, and a fair few in the middle that look sweet from a distance and are not sweet up close. Some of these have a cartoon animal on them. Most of those animals are holding a knife.

Everything is drawn in house or by the independent artists we work with and printed to order in our Sydney studio. Adult unisex sizing, XS to 5XL. Every picture goes straight to the product. Fair warning before you scroll: this page has swearing on it, which you probably worked out from the title.

26 rude and sarcastic t-shirts

Shit's Fucked Tee A hand-drawn rainbow and the most accurate two word summary of the news currently available. Cheerful and bleak at the same time, which is where a lot of people are living.	Fuck Your Dad Tee A duckling and a mouse holding hands in a field of flowers, drawn like a birthday card your nan would send. Then you read the words. Biggest gap between artwork and message on the whole page.
Fuck Off Tee "Fuck off, I'm in a mood." Does the work of an entire conversation before anyone opens their mouth. Genuinely useful on the right day.	FOC Tee A little creature napping in a meadow with the sun out and some flowers around it, spelling out the harshest sentence in the Australian language. From across a room it reads as gentle. It is not gentle.
Bee Less Tee A scribbly bee delivering a pun and, if we're honest, advice that would improve most situations.	Ew, No Thanks Tee A little heart with a hard no inside it. Covers dating apps, plans on a Friday, and the entire concept of a group activity.
Sirens Tee "Live, Laugh, Lure Seamen To Their Grisly Deaths On The Jagged Rocks." A proper old engraving of sirens doing exactly that. The Live Laugh Love wall decal, corrected.	Old Fart Tee Two words in a big skate logo box. Built for a birthday where the number ends in a zero and the person having it has been making comments about their back. Also Oasis sucks.
People Are Bastards Tee "People, what a bunch of bastards." Written in cheerful pink handwriting, surrounded by little flowers, which somehow makes the sentiment worse rather than softer.	Shit Happens Tee Pink graffiti splash, two words, an entire worldview. Nobody has ever improved on this as a philosophy and plenty have tried.
Mount Everest Tee "Every dead body on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe calm down." The best argument against hustle culture anyone has printed. For the friend who answers emails at 11pm.	No One Cares Tee Delivered by a cheerful little bear in a cap who looks delighted to be telling you. The friendliness is doing a lot of damage here.
Eye Didn't Ask Tee "Eye didn't ask, dude." A pun and a dismissal in one move. For anyone whose life contains a person who explains things they were not asked to explain.	Leaf Me Alone Tee Someone in a bath, wine in hand, surrounded by more houseplants than person. For the plant friend who has quietly stopped replying to messages and is doing fine, thanks.
Noot Noot Tee Pingu on a scooter, but the version that has clearly been through something since you last saw him. Noot noot, mthr fkr.	Thanks I Hate It Tee The correct response to roughly 80% of presents, which does make giving it as a present a slightly risky manoeuvre. Do it anyway.
What The Fucculent Tee A succulent riding a skateboard. It's a plant pun, it's a swear word, and nobody involved has apologised for any of it.	Duck Off Tee A duckling. Holding a knife. It should not work as well as it does and yet here we are, selling them constantly.
Bugger Off Tee The one and only Bertie Beetle (I think that was his name?), arms up, telling you to bugger off. Comfortably the politest item on this page, which is not a high bar to clear.	Espresso Tee "Espresso, then time to shit." A smiling little coffee cup describing the morning routine of most of this country with unnerving accuracy. Now go poop.
Need A Root Tee A smiling flower and an Australian double meaning that does not travel well overseas. On a black trimmed ringer, which is the correct shirt for this joke.	Done With Dat Shit Tee Big colourful bubble letters saying a very final thing. Good for the end of a job, a relationship, a lease, or a year that went on too long.
Rude Sloth Tee "I'm a sloth, fuck u." Four words and a scribbled sloth that together constitute an entire personality, and one you probably know.	Fuck Around And Find Out Tee With a crocodile on it, which in this country moves the phrase out of the category of threat and into the category of public safety notice.
Sorry I'm Late Tee "Sorry I'm late, I didn't want to actually come." For the friend who confirms, then cancels, then turns up 40 minutes late anyway. At least it's honest.	I Beg To Differ Tee The most polite phrasing available in English, delivered by a frog holding a knife. For anyone who wins arguments by staying calm in a way that unsettles people.

Still stuck? Pick by how much trouble you want to cause

• They want to be left alone and want everyone to know: Fuck Off, Leaf Me Alone, Ew No Thanks, Bugger Off, Rude Sloth.
• Birthday where the number ends in a zero: Old Fart, Espresso, Need A Root.
• Works too hard, needs telling: Mount Everest, Done With Dat Shit, Sorry I'm Late.
• You want maximum damage: Fuck Your Dad, FOC, Bee Less Tee.
• Sweet artwork, filthy message: Duck Off, I Beg To Differ, No One Cares, Fuck Around And Find Out, Noot Noot.
• General commentary on the state of things: Shit's Fucked, Shit Happens, People Are Bastards, Sirens, Thanks I Hate It, What The Fucculent, Eye Didn't Ask.

There's plenty more where these came from in the rude collection and the funny t shirts range. We also do rude bucket hats and caps if a shirt isn't enough of a statement.

How rude is too rude

Worth being honest about the range here, because "rude" covers a lot of ground. Sorry I'm Late and Thanks I Hate It are sarcastic and nothing more. Nobody's nan is going to react. Shit's Fucked, Old Fart and Espresso sit in the middle: a swear word, but not one that stops a room.

Then there's the top shelf. FOC, Bee Less and Fuck Your Dad are genuinely rude and are not designed to be defensible. Those three are not office wear, not Christmas lunch wear, and not the right call if you're unsure how the person feels about that particular word. If you're second guessing it, that's your answer, and one of the sarcastic ones will land better anyway.

The other thing worth knowing: several of these look completely innocent from a distance. FOC in particular is a gentle little drawing until someone reads it properly, which is either the best or worst feature depending on where you're wearing it.

What you're actually buying

Everything here is designed in house or by the independent artists we work with, then printed to order in our Sydney studio. Printed in Australia, not made in Australia, and we'd rather say that plainly than be vague about it. The blanks are ethically sourced AS Colour, the inks are OEKO-TEX certified, and our printing has been carbon neutral since 2021.

Printing to order means nothing sits in a warehouse waiting to be dumped at the end of a season. Your shirt gets made because you ordered it. A portion of every sale goes to Australian charity, which is a genuinely funny fact to put next to a shirt that says Bee Less Of A Cunt, and it's still true.

Questions people ask before buying this stuff

What's the rudest t-shirt you sell?

FOC, which spells out the full phrase over a drawing of something napping in a meadow. Bee Less and Fuck Your Dad are close behind. If you want rude without the c-word, Shit's Fucked and Fuck Around And Find Out do the job.

Can I wear one of these to work?

Depends entirely on your work, but assume no for anything with a swear word on it. Sorry I'm Late, Thanks I Hate It, Mount Everest, Ew No Thanks and No One Cares are all sarcastic without being sweary, so they're the safer bets for an office.

Is a rude t-shirt a safe gift?

It's safe if you've heard the person swear. It's not safe if you're guessing. The good news is the sarcastic end of this list still lands as funny for someone who doesn't want a swear word across their chest, so you can get the joke without the risk.

How do I get their size right without asking?

Fits are relaxed and unisex, XS to 5XL. Go with whatever size they wear in a normal t-shirt, and size up one if they like things oversized. Measurements are on every product page, and there's a gift card if you'd rather not gamble.

Are these adult sizes?

Adult unisex only. Despite the name, Lonely Kids Club is an adult label, which should be fairly obvious from this particular page.

How long will it take to arrive?

Everything is printed to order, so leave time for us to make it before it ships. Current production and delivery times are on the shipping page. Order earlier than feels necessary if it's for a birthday.

Designed and printed in Sydney since 2011. Original designs, printed to order, for people who are not going to be sincere about it.