When I was a kid I had two specific themes at every birthday party: I’d always have a jumping castle and I’d always have a magician. They both worked well. People jumped on the castle and enjoyed some dodgy card tricks. Was a solid formula. But then without explanation one year my mum told me we couldn’t hire the magician anymore. Anyway fast forward like 20 years and I finally asked my mum about this last night. Turns out the magician wanted to pull his rabbit out of the hat for her / show her his Houdini. Whichever seems wittier. I’m not sure if my parents had divorced yet but apparently he was married. Aha she said one time he came on to her so strongly that she was moving a couch and he got all up in her face about hooking up to the point where she dropped the fucking couch and broke her toenail. What a keeper. He was such a pivotal 90’s dude as well – had that gross frizzy mullet and a seedy moustache. Also a vest. I know that’s a magician thing but fuck casually wearing vests man. They’re so uggo. May as well wear a fedora and neck-beard and just be done with it. But yeah so this all happened. Turned out his greatest trick of all, was just being a cunt.