Road Rage

 

I went on this excursion to meet friends at MCA (My first outing in like three weeks from having gastro) and my gf drove and after a lengthly search we found someone leaving their parking spot. I asked if we could have the spot and she said no worries. So anyway we waited for them and this dude drove up right behind us on this wide road instead of going around us and just left his hand on the beeper going absolutely batshit crazy aggressive with it. It was like that Simpsons scene where George Bush Senior is taking ages to order from Krusty Burger and Homer goes all apeshit beeping on him.

Anyway I kept doing a “just move back signal” with my hand so we can reverse and let this person leave her spot but this dude was still beeping so hard the person in the car trying to leave then opened the door and was yelling at him like “dude what the hell are you doing i need to get out just move back!”

so he then pulls up next so us, switches his car off, and opens the door to get out of his car.

He then looked us in the eyes and put his rude finger up. I could sense trouble was afoot.

So I looked deep and remembered a Brown Cardigan meme about using a thumbs down to show dissatisfaction with another driver. So I looked right at him, lifted my hand and put my thumb down.

He then got back in his car, threw his water bottle at us, but unfortunately lacked the reach so it just landed on his own roof and then he drove off furiously.

It was like the beginning of a Fast and Furious movie. I needed my Vin Diesel for bro support tho.

Father’s Day

 

This is a post I did on Father’s Day which I wanted to put up here because if you’re ever feeling down this is worth a read: 

Happy father’s day everyone. This father’s day my dad said he was proud of me and for the first time I’m (sort of) a father with puppy Louie, so here’s a bit of fatherly advice / a short story for everyone:

When I was younger a lot of people saw me as some sort of dead-shit drop kick when I dropped out of uni, and couldn’t keep a job, relationship or life plan together. In their defence I was pretty useless. I got fired from about 10 different jobs. The fucking Shaver Shop fired me because I thought I fell in love with a girl on the train so got to work late (It’s a blog post somewhere).

One time I woke up to my mum on the phone telling her friend how her son is a failure (I thought she said failr and thats where my producer name came from btw) and another time at a dinner for this jewish festival thing I walked past a table of people who know my parents talking shit about how I’m throwing my life away or whatever so I chimed in and bitched about me too lmao. They had no idea what the hell to say.

I just wanted to give a shout out to anyone going through a rough time, or feeling a bit lost. It’s totally natural and things get so much better if you push on with what you’re trying to achieve / once you work out what you want. Those who look down on you for trying to do something different always end up being the ones who are most supportive when things turn around. I think they’re just scared and pushing that onto you.

Anyway if anyone ever feels that way please reach out to me via the chat app on the page or whatever if you need any guidance. I’m not yr dad but if you’re ever not OK I’m always here. Most of the chats on the site are just life talks I rarely even talk about the products. One time we re-did someone’s cover letter and resume cos he couldn’t get a job. I should see how that worked out.

I’m always very open to the fact that I had a lot of mental health issues which I worked through with a professional and it made things so much better. It’s okay not to feel okay and to seek out help.

Everyone can achieve cool things, even if they don’t feel supported by those around them. As long as you push on with whatever you’re going through you’ll be golden. And if you need to talk to someone, reach out to your local GP to get the ball rolling.

To finish here’s a photo of my papa cecil, and my puppy, Louie. Such QTs.

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Always be you.

<3 warwick

Rejected Interview

 

So this is a 100% real interview I did recently for an online publication that decided to decline my answers. Lmao. I guess they never learned about the wonder of Bunnings.

Anyway enjoy:

Short bio- Any details about the Lonely Kids Club, your career, interest, hobbies, quirks

I’ve had a pretty intense life – I grew up as a small child then developed into a small minded adult and now i fall over all the time so life is really going places for me. Sometimes I just stumble and then act like I never actually fell over and when that happens I think back to when I was just a small child and say to myself “Warwick, you’ve made it”

Favourite shoe store

I used to go the Hype store in Chatswood every week with a Brag magazine and assess the gigs currently playing and try use it as an excuse to lure the girl working there to go with me but she’d never go. That was okay though I just really liked hanging with her. Years later my friend saw her in a new store and asked about me and she said she remembered me / missed me. I was so close to locking her in to one of my own brand parties. Dammit.

Favourite store for t-shirts

Well funny you should ask, this charming little flagship store called Lonely Kids Club just opened at 58 Atchison St in St Leonards as it’s just blowing me away. The boy who works there is so good looking and it offers some cool vibes like creating your own pocket tees and a huge range of T-shirts. Definitely my boy crush.

Favourite store for a unique find

Bunnings. Where do they come up with that stuff.

Favourite accessories store

I bought my sister a necklace from Diva and she hated but then I gave it to my mum and she loved it so I’d say its the best accessories store for mothers based on that singular experience. I dont know what song is playing right now on my headphones but it’s amazing. Oh it’s Tony Castles. Bless.

Favourite coffee shop

Hmm I actually go to so many. Probably Caffe Nostra. It looks ordinary but it’s the most amazing gourmet cafe ever. If you catch them on a quiet moment you have to ask for an omelette it’s actually the best one I’ve ever had but they can’t make it when it’s too busy. Also such a great vibe.

The best place to find a gift

Get drunk and go on eBay and buy a tonne of stuff that you forget about by morning and then distribute them to friends as you see according. Worst case tell them you’re disappointed they didn’t get the personal joke because you put so much thought into it. Nailed it.

Yeah. My bad.

 

–  Lonely Kids Club

Stealing Nokia Phones

 

I used to be really, really into gaming at internet cafes. It was much more fun than studying or playing sports. Anyway one time this super dodgy guy came in and asked me what colour my phone was. I think he just came in and targeted the scrawniest looking dude who could find. That was me. First to get chosen for phone stealing, last to get chosen for touch football. Also can we just take a second to discuss that asking “What’s your colour bro” was literally his phone stealing plan. This wasn’t even iPhone days where you chose silver or black or whatever. We still all had those Nokia bricks. So I was like no I’m not showing you my phone ya weirdo. Was a ballsy move. So he kept pushing me about it and eventually got angry and said “Fine then I’m taking your ball then” and legitimately picked up this little rubber ball I bought from one of those $2 ball dispensing machines off the table and left with it. This was a real thing that happened. Also holy fuck this Nokia phone survived this round but a year later another dude (!!) mugged me on a train and stole it. I got it back after they caught him though. I can’t actually believe how much trouble I had keeping that phone.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

bris

 

So my mum told me some crazy stuff about my bris the other day. For those not in the know, a bris is when yung jewish boys get the snip on their peen. Anyway I called my mum up about this the other night while I was out (as you do) to get clarity about what actually happened because my friend Max was doubting me and she told me that after mine was snipped the rabbi / doctor (it’s a dual employment thing) then used a pipette and licked the blood or whatever (as they do?). How disturbing is that. I can see why they mixed up jews and witchcraft so much in GoT times (I don’t even know what that time period is called). Anyhow I literally had this conversation with her on loud speaker. Just sort of jumped into a whole conversation happening outside the bar I was at and my mum was so casual about it. The kicker was she finished being like “oh yeah I think he might of died of aids. Or not. I forget” Cheers mum. Sorry this was the most TMI post ever. Every now and then I think to myself I’m getting more professional with this but then I think about it and realise “nah, I’m really not”.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Childhood Magician

 

When I was a kid I had two specific themes at every birthday party: I’d always have a jumping castle and I’d always have a magician. They both worked well. People jumped on the castle and enjoyed some dodgy card tricks. Was a solid formula. But then without explanation one year my mum told me we couldn’t hire the magician anymore. Anyway fast forward like 20 years and I finally asked my mum about this last night. Turns out the magician wanted to pull his rabbit out of the hat for her / show her his Houdini. Whichever seems wittier. I’m not sure if my parents had divorced yet but apparently he was married. Aha she said one time he came on to her so strongly that she was moving a couch and he got all up in her face about hooking up to the point where she dropped the fucking couch and broke her toenail. What a keeper. He was such a pivotal 90’s dude as well – had that gross frizzy mullet and a seedy moustache. Also a vest. I know that’s a magician thing but fuck casually wearing vests man. They’re so uggo. May as well wear a fedora and neck-beard and just be done with it. But yeah so this all happened. Turned out his greatest trick of all, was just being a cunt.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Coffee Stand Off

 

Aha I’m in this coffee stand off at work rn which is reaching boiling point. I’ve been in the same job with the same coffee machine for like 2 years so every morning we each make a coffee but one day one of us thought we should make the other one a coffee as well as to not be rude. And like the next day this ritual of one of us making us both coffee every second day as an alternating thing became a full on daily routine. I mean I’m fine with it. It’s a nice interaction with a co-worker (Spoken like a competent, normal social person.) but the other day he just never offered to make a coffee. It started off a day like any other, but hit 9AM and I was needing my coffee hit. There were like 3 unread emails. It’s too much. So I look towards him and make some cleverly disguised remark about it like “Can’t do these morning emails without my coffee buzz hey.” and then he said he’d make one soon so it was a close call but was okay. But then today shit hit the fan. Went the whole day without offering me to make one but as the best plot twist ever I had a coffee with my girlfriend before work so wasn’t even phased. Boom. But now it puts me in a super awkward situation for tomorrow right. Because I’m going to need a coffee and do I offer him one or nah? No one’s broken the seal of not making the other one a coffee yet. This is like the delimma of the century. I could wake up early and have a coffee and not offer him one either to fuck with him but not even I’m that weird.

NOTE: Yes I am. I’m doing that tomorrow morning.

– Lonely Kids Club

Soul Calibur 2

 

My friend and I are so addicted to Soul Calibur 2 I’m just a fucking gun at the game now and we play for hours at a time and then he gets angry and sits on me. But I just put up with it cos I’m better than him and he’s shit. Nah he’s alright. But nah he’s shit and it’s my current top skill so I’m embracing it as something to be proud of. Top skill on the resume bruh. Nah I don’t even have a resume. I just Kramer it and rock up at offices and help sort out the printers. I’m a boss with printers tbh. I feel the G spot where the paper jam is and make it feel young and full of vibrant ink again. I think I’m gonna print some new stickers hey. Just to give out with all the orders. And if you kids behave well and keep your hands to yourselves the whole car trip I’ll drop a temporary tattoo pack for you guys of all the mascots. But no stopping for ice cream so y’know, it’s a sacrifice. Choose your own adventure (I’d choose ice cream sandwich I think).

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Two short stories about my parents buying me clothes (Part 2)

 

Part ii) My mum

My mum used to let me skip school to buy clothes with her on Oxford Street and that was cool, but she would push me into buying weird clothes like size XL T-shirts even though I was so thin and undeveloped I looked malnourished. One time she decided I should buy a printed pink hoodie, which I decided was a bit much, but my mum convinced me to buy it. On the train home, a group of high school girls decided to turn my seat into part of a six-seater and referred to me as “pinky” for the whole train ride. I had pretty low self-esteem so just sat there with my head down while they talked shit on me about being weird or gay or whatever. So I got off and walked back from the station and a car drove by, saw me, then did a swift U-turn in order to yell “FAGGOT” out of their window. Charming. So I kept walking cos h8ers gonna h8 but then they came around the block again and yelled “FUCK YOU YA FUCKING FAGGOT” a bit more aggressively. I think at that point I realised I had two options here. I can take the hoodie off or get fucked up. But that’s when I realised, I can’t stand up to bitchy girls, or try confront dudes yelling at me from a car, but fuck it man I can take a hella beating to defend my right to openly express myself. I’d rather get bashed than give in to that shit. So I just kept walking at the same pace like I didn’t even notice and the car slowed down. Aw shiet. My heart skipped a beat, then old mate floored it and sped off in the ever dangerous streets of East Killara. Fark. People are dix.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Two short stories about my parents buying me clothes (Part 1)

 

Part i) My dad

My dad took me to one of those xemoxpunkx stores when I was younger thinking it was normal or whatever so I freaked out about getting to buy kewl new clothes and just got the entire outfit on the mannequin. Unfortunately for me the mannequin was wearing a black t-shirt with a sleeveless hoodie, these weird brown golf pants and a thick printed white belt that was worn OVER the hoodie. Fucking hell. I looked like a Jewish Joel Madden. Joel Madstein. I wore it on a double-date a few weeks later, coupled with so much hair gel that a leaf got stuck in my hair about 10 minutes into the date and the other dude happened to be Nick so of course he didn’t tell me until afterwards. To my credit I ended up “dating” both girls, although in hindsight, I never actually dated either of them in any meaningful way. One was exclusively on MSN and the other one only went on one date with me then lost interest (Most Warwick sounding thing I’ve ever written) probs cos I wore that fucking mannequin outfit again. Her dad took a photo of us on his disposable camera and I’d do anything to see that photo now. But anyway this worked out badly for me in general cos I ended up buying all these weird goth clothes and tried to casually wear them with Target clothes until I was like 20. It’s all still on Myspace profile bruh.

 

– Lonely Kids Club