So my mum told me some crazy stuff about my bris the other day. For those not in the know, a bris is when yung jewish boys get the snip on their peen. Anyway I called my mum up about this the other night while I was out (as you do) to get clarity about what actually happened because my friend Max was doubting me and she told me that after mine was snipped the rabbi / doctor (it’s a dual employment thing) then used a pipette and licked the blood or whatever (as they do?). How disturbing is that. I can see why they mixed up jews and witchcraft so much in GoT times (I don’t even know what that time period is called). Anyhow I literally had this conversation with her on loud speaker. Just sort of jumped into a whole conversation happening outside the bar I was at and my mum was so casual about it. The kicker was she finished being like “oh yeah I think he might of died of aids. Or not. I forget” Cheers mum. Sorry this was the most TMI post ever. Every now and then I think to myself I’m getting more professional with this but then I think about it and realise “nah, I’m really not”.

– Lonely Kids Club

When I was a kid I had two specific themes at every birthday party: I’d always have a jumping castle and I’d always have a magician. They both worked well. People jumped on the castle and enjoyed some dodgy card tricks. Was a solid formula. But then without explanation one year my mum told me we couldn’t hire the magician anymore. Anyway fast forward like 20 years and I finally asked my mum about this last night. Turns out the magician wanted to pull his rabbit out of the hat for her / show her his Houdini. Whichever seems wittier. I’m not sure if my parents had divorced yet but apparently he was married. Aha she said one time he came on to her so strongly that she was moving a couch and he got all up in her face about hooking up to the point where she dropped the fucking couch and broke her toenail. What a keeper. He was such a pivotal 90’s dude as well – had that gross frizzy mullet and a seedy moustache. Also a vest. I know that’s a magician thing but fuck casually wearing vests man. They’re so uggo. May as well wear a fedora and neck-beard and just be done with it. But yeah so this all happened. Turned out his greatest trick of all, was just being a cunt.

– Lonely Kids Club

Aha I’m in this coffee stand off at work rn which is reaching boiling point. I’ve been in the same job with the same coffee machine for like 2 years so every morning we each make a coffee but one day one of us thought we should make the other one a coffee as well as to not be rude. And like the next day this ritual of one of us making us both coffee every second day as an alternating thing became a full on daily routine. I mean I’m fine with it. It’s a nice interaction with a co-worker (Spoken like a competent, normal social person.) but the other day he just never offered to make a coffee. It started off a day like any other, but hit 9AM and I was needing my coffee hit. There were like 3 unread emails. It’s too much. So I look towards him and make some cleverly disguised remark about it like “Can’t do these morning emails without my coffee buzz hey.” and then he said he’d make one soon so it was a close call but was okay. But then today shit hit the fan. Went the whole day without offering me to make one but as the best plot twist ever I had a coffee with my girlfriend before work so wasn’t even phased. Boom. But now it puts me in a super awkward situation for tomorrow right. Because I’m going to need a coffee and do I offer him one or nah? No one’s broken the seal of not making the other one a coffee yet. This is like the delimma of the century. I could wake up early and have a coffee and not offer him one either to fuck with him but not even I’m that weird.

NOTE: Yes I am. I’m doing that tomorrow morning.

– Lonely Kids Club