Monthly Archives: August 2015

Comedy Night

 

Have you guys ever gone to a local comedy night before? I’m not talking about the big international stars at Opera House stuff, I mean the ones loosely put together at a pub. They’re the best thing ever. Those dudes on stage (And huge props to them btw – I don’t have the balls to do it) either kill it or bomb so hard, and there’s absolutely no in-between. It’s like the equivalent of either being an all-star Yankees batter hitting home runs or a blind 8 year old just hoping to make contact. Last time I went they were all the latter. It was just brutal. One person literally opened saying “How shit is uni”. And the problem that came from this is that I really like the weird awkward stuff. I’m like a hardcore Tim & Eric fan so when they did these jokes and no one laughed, I then started laughing. As it turns out the crowd would laugh at my laugh and that’s how the whole night played out. I was like a reverse heckler. But I wasn’t the only sort-of Heckler there. One dude fell asleep and all the comedians kept giving him shit but he didn’t wake up for the duration of the entire event, so he kind of won all the encounters by default. Can’t really win against someone who won’t wake up. That’s why Snorlax was so powerful. Wait that made no sense. Anyway the whole crowd seemed super cranky. It was almost like they were all just made redundant and as an apology got sent to this comedy night. Unfortunately, however, they weren’t made redundant from a university, or that other dude’s opening line would have killed it. So to counter the now pressingly awkward silence that came from dud jokes, the other comedians that already performed began laughing as loud as they could at every joke. But obviously this was already clear to anyone looking so yeah just such a strange situation. Actually reading over this now I made it all sound terrible but honestly I’d highly recommend it.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Toilet Humour

 

I’ve got the best bathroom situation at my work rn. There’s only me and at most two (but usually one) other dude who uses the men’s bathroom. Even better it is one of those ones that are traditionally for disabled people, where it’s just this huge room with one toilet and you can lock the door. It’s bliss man. You gotta identify the things that make you happy in life. There’s just so much space. It’s like having my own personal yoga studio. Only it’s not quite as full of shit (Depending on if I had the morning coffee or not amirite). Ooft. Shots fired. Eh what are they gonna do? Slowly move into different poses around me? Fuck off back to Bondi. Nah I’m just brooding cos I have this huge pimple on my face and it’s bringing back some bad memories. I look in the mirror and realise why girls wouldn’t reply to my Myspace messages all over again. Anyway I’m such a pro with this bathroom stuff I know exactly how much toilet paper I can leave before I should really replace it with a new roll. Just got that etiquette down pat (Unlike my blog writing etiquette which is assumedly still shit house). Also unlike my 17 year old brother I clean up after myself (Kinda just threw that one in there to see if he actually reads these). Anyway It’s good tho, I used to share the bathroom with the warehouse dudes and they were just brutes. They’d leave a completely empty toilet roll and trash the place and not even feel bad about it. It was just anarchy. May as well have set fire to the place. But yeah I’m in a better place now. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go downwards dog some of yesterday’s organic acai smoothie in the bathroom.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Un-Wingman

 

Aha I’m such a dick. I was at a house party and went to get a drink (I’m such a champ) and bumped into a couple. I was like sweet I should say hi and be polite and shit. That totally just made is seem like a chore hey. Talking to couples at a party when you’re solo isn’t a chore. Though it sort of is. No it defs is. Anyway I’m talking and we’re all getting along and then the girl walks off randomly when I get too deep with the dude. We were talking about Nintendo 64 you know this is my weakness guys I can’t be accountable. So I was thinking this is a pretty weird couple but this is still cool. But then I see the guy doing that thing you do when you’ve lost interest in a conversation (Which of course couldn’t be just because I’m boring. That’s un-possible) and start drawing his eyes elsewhere so I give him a leave and he runs off after her. It suddenly hit oh shit I totally just cock-blocked him while he was tuning a girl. Even worse she then started getting cozy with some other dude so I all but completely fucked up this dude’s night. I was legit just trying to be nice. But yeah so that’s un-wingmanning. A social situation comparative to crashing an actual plane. The whole thing peaked when we left at the same time but didn’t want to acknowledge each other. It was like one of us gave the other an STD or something. I actually did that same thing with a dude I went to school with who I didn’t like at the train station the other day (As in avoided eye contact, not gave each other STD’s). It’s sort of a nice mutual respect. But not really.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Flavia

 

I’m trying to blog and my friend Dave is over and wont stop whinging that I fucked up his Tinder date with flavia. I guess she was the flavia of the month. What’s your flavia girl tell me what’s your flavia. I think I made some remark in their Tinder exchange about getting coffee and she was cold about it so I said I’d even splurge for soy milk and she unmatched him. Am I really accountable for that? It’s a pretty good flavia. Much better than cheap almond milk. That tastes like shit. Dave was obsessed with how pretty she is though because she’s “blonde and attractive”. How weird is that phrase? No one ever says “Brunette and attractive”. I don’t even know why. Not but seriously that was my fuck-up I’m usually really good with this but this was the one that got away. So I’m sorry Dave. And Flavia please come home, he misses you very much. But by home I mean match him again on Tinder. K thx.

Picture by Dave:

WORK OF ART

 

– Lonely Kids Club