Monthly Archives: November 2014

Weird Facebook Posts

 

Every now and then I’ll write really strange status updates on the LKC page and just leave them there just to tempt myself not to click while at work. I don’t even know why. It’s like this weird stupid game I play with myself. But there’s no winner. Just like underage drinking. Actually I only wrote that because some cop show is on TV. Why are there so many fucking cop shows on TV. There really only needs to be one. Anyway this is one I had on my desktop for ages:

 

hey guys, so there’s no easy way to say this so i may as well just be open about it as it does change the future of lonely kids club and might change how you feel about me as well. i’m actually zayne from one direction. this whole project is just what i do while bored on tour. i make most of my status updates while using the bathroom after a performance. i call it my post show poop. i just wanted a second direction to express myself with. one isn’t enough. anyway look it doesnt have to be awkward we can just go back to using my persona of warwick now, who was actually created by old mate simon cowell. simon thought it’s a non-threatening name. but it feels really good to finally come out and be honest about myself. next week’s blog post – getting blazed with 16 year old fan girls and raging at TMZ #420blazeit

That’s why every now and then the weirdest updates will appear on the page, just as an fyi. Not that anyone sees them anymore, Facebook is fucking me over big time. If 15% of my Facebook followers see my post without my paying them for it, I take it as a victory now. Not even exaggerating. Ah well. I guess I can always live tweet. New LKC cop TV show live tweet sesh’s starting next week.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Kinder Surprises

 

Man all the kinder surprise toys I’ve gotten recently have been shit. The last one I got was a car that was pre-made. How disappointing is that. Some starved child in a third world country has taken all the fun out of it for me. I feel gipped. Sometimes I just have it so tough. Like just the other day I was walking with a friend and I nearly stumbled over on the pavement and my friend was like “be careful!” Great post-incident prep talk. I don’t remember seeing police standing outside a building where someone’s thinking about jumping and waiting until they’re dead on the ground before going “Don’t jump”. I’m sure they’d proceed to say in a conference later “look I don’t know what to say m8 we did what we can.” Sorry. That escalated quickly. I’m just pent up over this whole Kinder Surprise situation. I kind of want to start making my own more boutique Kinder Surprise’s. They can be all snazzy with organic chocolate and the inside toy can be something cool like little trinkets. Thomas Dux and exxy prices here I come.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

Cinema Make Outs

 

Oh man I went to see Fury the other night with my friends Fergal and Hugh and this woman in her mid 30’s sat down next to me with her boyfriend and as the movie started they jumped straight into making out. In their defense who goes to see a movie about the senseless of death of a tragic world war without the intention macking out and potentially getting a wristy. Actually who am I to talk I legit got a hand-job in the Garfield movie in year 9. But I was like 15. And nothing is sexier than Bill Murray’s voice. Anyway I let them have their sneaky pre-movie make out but then 10 minutes later they jumped into it again and this time got SUPER into it if you know what I mean. So I turned to Fergal and said pretty loudly “This couple next to me is getting frisky as FUCK over here” and they immediately stopped. Sweet. I thought that was game over but then 10 minutes later they started again so I said (this time loud enough for Hugh as well) “Time for some sneaky off-camera romantic action” and this time they thought fuck it and carried on. The on-screen explosion which had a man burning to death and shooting himself in the head to relieve the pain was just the vibe they were craving to get downnnn. So I decided to amp things up and I slowly moved my hand over the shared armrest so it covered her hand. As soon as she realised it wasn’t her boyfriend’s hand she freaked out and they didn’t do anything past PG for the rest of the movie. Alas, I went to see fury but all I saw was sexual frustration.

 

– Lonely Kids Club

I’m Terrible at Life

 

The other day I was on my phone and I walked into a wall. This isn’t even the worst I’ve done this year. Earlier I was staying at my girlfriend’s house and wearing a onesie, and I came out of the bathroom in the morning and her dad said hello. So I like jumped up to say hello for some reason and slammed my foot into the corner of a wall so hard that I broke my baby toe. So I proceeded to scream FUCK and then hopped back into my girlfriend’s room. That was the impression I left for her dad. He would have seen me come out of the bathroom in a very colourful onesie, jump into a wall, scream fuck and then hop away again. All before 9AM. I learned in my earlier years that I’m terrible at being single, but it’s good to know I’m also terrible at being in a relationship.

 

– Lonely Kids Club