Monthly Archives: May 2012

Gastrogasm

 

I was at a farm party the other day. It began as an amazing dinner but sort of melded into more of a shindig. As usual I was bordering the line between socially confident and socially awkward with mild success. Initially I was running around to all the different tables talking to everyone while getting progressively more inebriated. However by midnight I ran off by myself and was lying in the fields in silence looking at stars with a beer in hand. I’m the life of the party. Anyway I had to go to bed so I snagged one of the better rooms early with a lady friend. The first thing I noticed was there were no locks so I thought fuck it and moved the giant couch in the room against the door so people couldn’t get in. What I failed to realise was the couch was so gigantic because it was a sofa bed. So throughout the night people kept trying to come in to use it to sleep on and couldn’t work out why they couldn’t get in. Unfortunately this occurred the most frequently while we were getting kinky but luckily I was drunk enough that I didn’t let this bother me. I also just realized this will be the first time my friend who hosted the event hears about this. Sorry about befouling your guestroom. You probably should have known better than letting me sleep there.

 

– Lonely Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label

 

Picture By Angie:

My Opinion On What’s Going On In The World Right Now

 

LOL JKS. I don’t give a shit. But today I learned that a lot of animals are prostitutes. According to Wikipedia, penguins need pebbles to build their nests. The female penguins (specifically Adélie Penguins), even when in a committed relationship, will exchange sexual favors with strange males for the pebbles they need to build their nests. Also chimpanzees trade food for sex (Much like poor people.). I’m not even joking. Google that shit. In other news my last status update got 82 likes. I know they say the more friends you have on the internet the less you have in real life but that’s bullshit. I had no internet friends growing up and I had just as few friends in real life. True story. 

 

The status update (embarrassingly proud of this): 

 

– Lonely Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label

Masturbation in Morocco

 

When I was travelling in Morocco we had already been travelling for about 3 weeks and it was just three guys so masturbation began becoming a problem. Initially my friend Nick solved the problem by asking us to take the laundry out regardless of if there was any. This lasted about a week until he gave up on the front and would just start watching porn on his laptop while we were still in the room. I don’t get much action anyway so I’m pretty good at not masturbating for extended periods of time (To my sister who reads this blog – Sorry about this entire post.). Anyway one night I was at dinner with both of the guys I was travelling with and something clicked and I just sort of got up and went back to our room without saying anything. I think they had a vague idea what was going on. I got to the room, found a sock to avoid mess and proceeded to do my thang. Anyway the next morning one of my friends noticed my sock on the floor that I had used the night earlier and put it on to wear for the day. I didn’t know what to do so told the other one and we just laughed about it the whole day. For the record, I told this story at his 21st.

 

– Lonely  Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label

 

Picture by Angie (Not actually drawn for this blog post but it still feels appropriate):

 

Haircut

 

I have not had a haircut in ages. My jewfro is becoming increasingly harder to shape into any sort of style. I look like a Lion King character that would have been voiced by Woody Allen. Also I can’t trim my beard because I used my trimmer on my pubic hair and now I don’t feel comfortable using it on my face (Didn’t think that one through). Also oh my god for those of you who are considering doing that, don’t. Walking hurts. As if I needed another reason not to do any excerise. I haven’t stepped foot in a gym in ages. This frustrates my dad who brings it up in every conversation and greets me by repeadedly slapping my back progressively harder. It’s this weird mix of awkward affection and scoping out if I have any back muscle left. This was like my creepiest blog post ever.

 

– Lonely Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label

 
Picture by Angie: