Monthly Archives: April 2011

Change Room Problems


I dated a girl briefly in year 10 called Alex. That was interesting. We broke up because I leaned in to kiss her after a date and she turned to the side so it became a cheek kiss. This angered me. I walked home brooding and called my friend who inexplicably decided because I was calling him at 1AM I was being chased by bad people and was already putting on his shoes and running out the door to get me. Anyhoo a year later I saw her in Cotton On with her new boyfriend, and that was fine. Only problem was I was trying on (and still wearing) red skinny jeans for some reason so I just sort of spontaneously freaked out and jumped into an empty changing room and locked the door. I wanted to just wait there for 20 minutes but then realised all my stuff was in the change room next to me. So I jumped back out of the changing room, and into the one I was originally using and changed into my new clothes so fast I didn’t realise I left the door wide open. I then went on to sprint out the store as fast as I could. I’m positive the people working there thought I stole something. Walking back home I received a message from an unknown number saying “Were you just in Cotton On?”. I haven’t been back to the store since.


– Lonely Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label


Picture from Angie:



21st Speech


I had to do a 21st speech for my friend Nick the other night, and I had no idea what to say so I opened with this:

“A few years ago I was dating this girl, and one time we were fooling around in bed and Nick tried calling me, so I declined his call and he went on to call me about 6 more times, most likely knowing what was going on but doing it to be a dick anyway. When nick calls a photo comes up of his face with a giant grin on it. Anyway things were getting pretty intimate and by this point I had the phone in my hand because his constant calls were becoming quite a distraction. Why I didn’t just turn off my phone is anyone’s guess. Multi-tasking was never my forte. Anyway I was reaching the point where I was about to climax and he called at that exact moment so I ended up orgasming while staring directly at his grinning face. So I’ve sort of had sex with Nick.”

..It’s never a good idea to get me to do a speech at events.


– Lonely Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label


Picture by Angie:


5 short stories about clapping


1. I remember a story someone told me once about an appearance Bono made at some big event, where he walked on stage and was slowly clapping, and said “Everytime I clap, a child in Africa dies.” and some drunk guy yelled back “STOP CLAPPING.”

2. When I was in primary school we had a school band playing during an assembly and a girl started clapping to the beat and one of the teachers was some fucking nutcase and yelled at her and sent her out of the assembly crying.

3. Whenever I clap at the wrong moment I always do that awkward thing where I pretend I was trying to catch a mosquito or something. I did that once during a speech in a lecture but we were indoors so it was pretty obvious.

4. When I was in year 8 someone told me what was “the clap” was, because prior to that it was just a killer song by The Unicorns.

5. These stories gradually got less funny. This has nothing to with clapping but I’m genuinely as angry as you are about this. You should send a complaint or something.


– Lonely Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label


Picture by Angie:



My First Kiss


When I was in year 7 I had my first kiss. I met a girl at my local train station after school and days later we had “I (L) U 4 LYF” on our MSN display names. Shit was going down. So at the end of the week we went on a double date to a movie with some strange looking guy and his girlfriend who had this giant red spot on her forehead which she couldn’t stop picking. The movie started and halfway through the girl I was “seeing” took me to the back of the cinema and we made out. I had some super freak out and started shivering. Long story short she happened to tell her whole grade about this and I was known as “that weird frigid guy”. Jokes on her now I make out shiver free and she’s some fat whore. Display pictures of sunsets on your facebook profile don’t make you look like a well travelled individual, it just makes it assumed you have some sort of disfigurement.


– Lonely Kids Club | Boutique T-shirt Label


Picture from Angie: